#NotAshamed: The Anchor Within

Artwork: PascalCampionArt

Living with a mental illness could be very hard and challenging, now add a conservative environment and a whole lot of stigma and you end up with the worst case scenario; giving up. If you have any kind of mental illness, it’s nothing to be ashamed of, your brain is unwell, your heart is heavy, but I promise you, you’re no less of a human being for the way you carry yourself through the bad days. Speaking up is crucial to ending the stigma, to help people find themselves among people who understand what’s it like to be mentally ill, and most importantly; it helps you validate your emotions, your being, your ache. These series of stories does exactly that, allowing people to vent and be honest with the world, and most importantly themselves. This is the first story, this is her story;

“Let’s see where do I start, well I was a pretty normal child while growing up; I was an only child but a very hyper one, I would never sit still, jumping and playing around. But every once and a while I would get these really dark thoughts, wondering what would happen if I just jumped out of the window.
Now we get to the beginning of my story, to you it may seem rather cliché but to me, it’s my life. You see while growing up my parents fought rather a lot until they got separated and eventually got a divorce. After that, my father got remarried and had another child, but it wasn’t about him starting a new family that affected me, it was more of him not being around, realizing all of the things he won’t be there for, add to those adolescence problems and the pressure of growing up. And when he finally re-appeared in my life there was this gap that I couldn’t quite explain, like I have grown to be a different person than the one in his mind.
Flash-forward to 2014, that’s when I got into my first real relationship, I was in love. My mother, however, did not approve and that what started the series of fights that lasted for a long period of time. Then it happened in 2015, I walked into this year not knowing that I would go through one of the hardest struggles of my life. One dark night I had yet another fight with my mother, at that moment it was as if something finally erupted inside me, the cumulative of sadness inside was demanding to come out. I experienced what only can be called an out of body experience because the next thing I know I have jumped off our balcony and dove into darkness, I was found by my family later on.
I woke up to pain; broken body, shattered bones, and teeth, my body matched my broken soul and spirit. I had to spend over 3 months lying in bed.
After that, I went through extreme physical and psychological therapy, and I made a promise to both myself and my family that I would never make another attempt again and that was for two important reasons. The first was that I couldn’t handle the pain of recovery that I had to go through, and second, I couldn’t bare hurting my parents and my loved ones like that.
Unfortunately, in 2018, the pressure of life crushed me once again and I broke my promise and attempted suicide for a second time. Luckily this time my mother walked in right before I went through with it.
I don’t know what the rest of the road holds for me, but one thing I am sure of is that I will find my “Anchor” You see, I believe that everyone in this world has an anchor, someone or maybe even something, and that anchor would stable them. And I believe that I am yet to find mine and when I do I know that it will help me survive this ordeal and help me live my life to the fullest.”

N.H, Early 20s

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