The scenery of a beach kicks in my mind allowing the death wish I’ve had for over a month to fade a bit. There was nothing poetic about dying. Wanting to die. Or wishing for one’s life to be over once and for all. But these kinds of thoughts were dealt with in the most proper way possible. No solutions given, just the same amount of rant.
It was as meaningful as anything could ever be when meaningless steps in your life showing you all the purpose you could find in a void of emotions.
You learn a lot from people who leave. Even more from the ones who stay. I’m not saying there are ones who even stay anymore. I mean how can they stay when eventually they can leave? So basically they are the ones of unknown actions till decisions are made. But there are ones who are here not for a go or a stay. No decision should be made. No decision could be made even if desired.
I believe honesty is what might drive one to stay. Honestly, it could drive them to leave as well. Honesty about feelings. Honesty about the ugliness of the world. About what we wish not to say let alone think of.
The choices of my meaningless life have gotten me to places. “Time is relative but how is it relative?” Choices of the smallest kind showed me the void I would be creating if I hadn’t made them. How the sun wouldn’t shine through the blindfolds on the 7 A.M mornings I stay awake ’cause miserably sleep decided on me today.
Choice of how my thoughts were all over the place, now they’re all over every individual I decided to bestow those thoughts upon not for how great they are. No I’m no Einstein. But for the peace of mind I deserve and of people’s small minds that needs to grow.
I was told the best kind of love was the genuine form. One you give without expecting anything in return. One with no aim just pure intake.
I thought no space-occupying-human either a friend or a lover can feel such form of love to even give it. Except a mother’s love to her child. How truthful a woman can be mothering a child of her own.
I hopefully wish I can be wrong. Uncovering a false belief that friends and lovers can bring upon you such kind of love.
You gave me a passionate breeze about life at the same time life didn’t want to offer it. Is it possible that life could be selfish? That, as much as I want this life, life doesn’t want me? And through it all I was undeservingly stumbling upon discrete hollow preferences one cannot find meaning in unless being one itself.
The seemingly bottomless hole that was created in my soul and mind, by the unfortunate series of events that somehow I try to win and defeat, is only taking me to another unfinished end of the hole where I believe was where it all began. There, I was planned. There we could assume I had a beginning before knowing I’d wish for an end. Somehow I would still murmur to myself, in the most calm voice possible not wanting to sound unfortunate more than I already am, how this is not what I signed up for. How unfair that I would helplessly go through something I never agreed upon? My mom would always tell me never to rant about reasons I didn’t have knowledge of, never to be ungrateful, and know that good things await those who have been through tough journeys.
By the time the appearance of the world’s temptations of ungracious humans awake, her words would fade away. And soon I would understand how that abyss was formed. And I would finally stop blaming myself but no, it only sheds light upon the more reasons that I should blame myself. But the void inside the abyss had meaning. And how funny that people think little of voidness in general? It is still a thing. It is still occupied by something. It is completely vacant. So basically what everyone else thought is nothing, it is actually the state of being something, something that is free.
Funny how we’re so different that we’re not all meant to align on the same line. I don’t expect us to. I don’t even want us to. But it leaves me at awe sometimes knowing that how lucky we are to find the ones who would not only understand us but also meet at the very different edges of similar voids. We’re all different. Therefore, I find great power in the few significant voids in which we get to sense their relativity.